


The Spirit of the Stairway

by Isobel_Morgan



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27472507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isobel_Morgan/pseuds/Isobel_Morgan
Summary: "D'you know the saying, l'esprit d'escalier?" the Doctor asked Graham."Translates as 'the spirit of the stairway', meaning that feeling you get when you leave a situation, and then, when you're walking away, down the stairs, you think of the perfect thing to have said, but it's too late."Follows on from "Can You Hear Me?"
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	The Spirit of the Stairway

**The Spirit of the Stairway**

The Doctor tried to respect her friends' privacy, generally.

They had their own lives (and families, and other friends…) away from her, and the bedrooms they stayed in within the TARDIS felt similar to that - like something she had to be invited into. When they wanted to rest, but without going back to Sheffield, Graham, Ryan and Yaz each had their own room, and she'd shown them how to get the ship to help them set it up and decorate it however they wanted.

Yaz's was similar to her room in her family's flat, only bigger, and she'd decorated it in bright cheerful colours, with scatter cushions flung all about. The Doctor and Yaz had spent many hours there, just chatting over mugs of tea and a plate of custard creams. It was strange, the difference being a woman could make to a friendship. No matter how close she'd been to her female friends before, it wasn't quite the same. Yaz's friendship had made becoming a woman easier - there were many different ways to be female, the Doctor knew that, but it was only when she'd became one that she realised which ones applied to herself.

Yaz was currently puzzling out how to dress and put up her hair in an 1816-ish fashion so they could fit in when paying a call to the Shelleys and their friends in Switzerland, something the Doctor knew she was of limited help with. There were plenty of suitable dresses in the wardrobe, but the Doctor had no more an idea how to wear them than Yaz did. Maybe one day she'd feel different, but for now, dresses weren't for her.

Having been male before, she felt she still knew how to relate to her male friends. Socially awkward, yeah, but that was hardly unusual. There were things Ryan wouldn't talk about, but he came to her for help when he needed it, as did Graham. It bothered her, that she couldn't give Graham the reassurance he wanted, when he'd opened up to her about his fears. She'd done her best to explain that, and he'd accepted it, but still it nagged at her.

The Doctor paced the corridor outside Graham’s room, or as he called it, his 'man-cave'. While Ryan had pestered her about gadgets to fill his room with - what kind of X-Box they had in the future, or on other planets, that sort of thing - Graham had gone old school. She'd only seen his room once before, and it reminded her of a sitting room from the 1950's. There was a big bath in the en-suite, and when there was any quiet time, Graham was fond of sitting in a comfy chair in a dressing gown and slippers, reading a newspaper he'd brought from home and listening to whatever radio signal he could get hold of through his upgraded mobile phone. Usually it was about football. Sometimes there was a real fireplace in the corner, when that was what he wanted. The TARDIS liked to do nice things for the people she got on with, and Graham's desire for home comforts after an adventure seemed to bring out an almost housewifely aspect in the ship. It was a bit odd, but the Doctor never asked either of them about it.

"Right," she said to herself. "Come on. Get this sorted."

She knocked on the door.

"You decent? Can I come in?"

"Just a sec!" came the reply.

A moment later the door opened. Graham was thankfully not in his dressing gown, already attired in Regency fashion.

"Nice clobber. You got a minute?" she asked, going into the room.

"Course. What is it?"

He sat back down in his comfy chair, and the Doctor sat on the edge of the bed.

"D'you know the saying _l'esprit d'escalier?"_ she asked.

Graham took off his reading glasses, folding the paper he held in his hand.

"Can't say that I do."

"It's French."

"I gathered that much."

"It means 'the spirit of the stairway'."

Graham looked a bit confused.

"Where's this going, Doc?"

"It's a way of describing that feeling you get when you leave a situation, and then when you're walking away, down the stairs, you think of the perfect thing to have said, but it's too late."

"Oh." Graham caught on.

"Maybe I should make it my motto," the Doctor said. "Happens a lot. I'm always living my life sort of on the hop, don't give anything too much thought before I jump in, feet first."

"Yeah, I had noticed that," Graham remarked, raising his eyebrows. "That's why I'm having a sit-down now, while I've got the chance."

"Not knowing what to say doesn't mean I don't care-" The Doctor got to her feet again, suddenly fidgety.

"I just… it's weird, being this sort of awkward. I never used to have all this doubt. I didn't last time, or maybe I just didn't notice as much? Hard to remember now…"

"Doc."

The look Graham gave her was like the ones he gave Ryan, when he was being grandfatherly. It was incredibly weird being on the receiving end of a look like that, having been a grandfather yourself. 

_'Still am. No matter what, I'm still Susan's grandfather,'_ the Doctor thought. ' _And I think Graham forgets I'm so much older than I look, so much older than him.'_

"It's okay," he continued. "I needed to say it out loud, more than anything. There's not many people I can say it to."

"It's not okay."

The Doctor began to pace again, pulling her long sleeves down over her hands.

"I should've said something more, something better. If-" she stopped pacing and turned to face him. "You know I'd always do anything I could to keep you safe, yeah? Keep my friends safe?"

The eyebrows raised again.

"Apart from all the times we go running headlong into danger on purpose, you mean?"

"I don't-" She worried at a seam on her sleeve. "I don't mean like that."

"I know what you mean."

"Look, what we do, what I do… I help people. Or I mean to. Doesn't always go to plan, and people get hurt because of me. I live with that, or I try to. But you lot…"

She stopped once more.

"This isn't easy."

Graham regarded the impossible alien that he called his friend.

"Doc, I've seen you face down armies. And not once have I ever seen you back down because something wasn't easy."

She gave him a half-smile.

"Supposed to be me saying reassuring things to you, not the other way around."

Graham shrugged.

"I've been around the block a few times meself. And I did go to group therapy, you know. Support for cancer patients and that. Grace sent me. Now there was a woman who always knew the right thing to say, even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear."

"And if it did come back." The Doctor made a special effort to hold still, despite every urge to keep fidgeting. "Then, yeah, I'd do something. Course I would. I don't have a cure, but someone would, somewhere, in all of space and time. But…"

Her expression went extra serious.

"I couldn't change how things are on Earth. Much as I might want to. I couldn't bring a cure back. It'd change things too much, and I don't know what impact that'd have on the future."

"How d'you mean, couldn't bring it back?" Graham frowned.

"I mean I could take you to a hospital in the future or something, make sure you'd be okay. But everyone else… the support group you went to. All the other people you know who fought cancer. I couldn't help all of them too. And that's not easy to say either."

"Why not?" There was no accusation in his tone. He just wanted to understand.

"Cos if I did, where would I stop? I can't save everyone in the whole universe."

Graham glimpsed a flash of something in her eyes, something that betrayed her age, her alienness.

"That was the hardest thing I ever had to learn. Not the times when you try to save someone but fail. You know how hard it is to live with that. But the times when you really can't save people. Have to step away, let things be."

"Oh."

That hadn't really occurred to Graham.

"So… that's what I couldn't say, before."

The Doctor folded her arms, holding herself still while he thought that through.

"Listen, Doc. What I said. It's true, but it's not holding me back, is it? I mean, I wouldn't be travelling with you if I was really scared all the time I might die, would I? Not with all the stuff we get up to. And even if I stopped back home, nothing's for sure, is it? I might get hit by a bus. And I'm saying that as someone who knows all the bus routes and the drivers in the area and is therefore very unlikely to get run over."

The Doctor hesitated, and once again he wondered at how changeable his friend could be. Defiant and capable in the face of the worst odds, or brimming with righteous fury as she fought terrible monsters. Bursting with excitement and delight at the tiniest things or, like now, as if she'd never had to talk to another person before and didn't know what to do. Still, better she was like this when it came to something as mundane as talking, rather than when faced with a seemingly indefatigable enemy.

"Is there anything you wanna talk about?" he asked her, surprising himself a little.

The Doctor was taken aback and didn't know how to reply.

"You never tell us what's going on with you. I know you think there's stuff we won't understand, and you're probably right, but maybe give it a try? It might help."

She gave him another half-smile.

"Maybe. But I said my piece now. We good?"

"Course. We ready to go, then?"

"Nearly. Yaz wasn't happy about corsets, but I think she's found something that works."

The Doctor tugged at her waistcoat.

"She's just sorting out bonnets and hairdos now."

"Glad I'm a bloke," Graham replied. "This gear ain't all that different from getting togged up in my time."

He got up and stretched, picked up the top hat.

"Now I've had my sit-down, think I'm just about ready for anything."

This time the Doctor's smile was full, genuine, all awkwardness or sadness gone.

"Brilliant."

* * *

**Disclaimer** : Anything you recognise isn't mine, obviously.

I had half of this in my head straight after 'Can You Hear Me?' aired, but I didn't write it then as I thought the Doctor being awkward and not knowing what to say was actually pretty in character. But then I decided it needed a follow-up.


End file.
